


Genderfluid!Neil

by liarielle



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew discovers that he is going to die if Allison keeps helping Neil shop, As well as leggings big sweaters and high waisted shorts, F/F, Genderfluid!Neil, He's okay with that, M/M, Neil discovers crop tops, the Allison/Renee is a slow burn too?, this is going to be an adventure I have no official outline or plan for this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 16:04:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6431083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liarielle/pseuds/liarielle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The colors were soft and subtle, much less conspicuous than the things Nicky picked for him. The neckline of the shirt closest to him was asymmetrical, and it started out blue but ombred to white at the bottom, which was much higher than it should be. Neil wasn't sure what the point of that was. He was even less sure why he couldn't stop staring at it.</p><p>-Neil's first experience seeing a crop top followed by the journey of discovering being genderfluid, along with other various things that will eventually include more shopping, makeup hair and nails, and a very tense interview with Kathy that does not end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Crop to the Top Pt 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alright so some posts on tumblr talked about Neil doing his nails, pampering himself, and wearing crop tops and that led to some genderfluid!Neil headcanons that have since gradually made their way into fic plans. So this is the first chapter, it's gonna be kinda slow? I'm going to attempt to set some kind of update schedule for myself to stay on track and when I do I'll let you guys know when it is. I'll take prompts/requests for chapters within the fic or outside of it, my foxhole court tumblr is foxyliarielle and I finally remembered to turn on asks. Maybe I'll eventually come up with a real title.
> 
> chadthechowchow on tumblr did a wonderful fanart of genderfluid!Neil in running shorts and a crop top and it is killing me and I wish to share it with all of you so please go view do the thing  
> http://chadthechowchow.tumblr.com/post/142553842553/neil-josten-in-a-crop-top-and-running-shorts

Neil watched Allison dazedly as she flipped through the clearance rack, completely lost. He didn't know how she managed to look at everything so quickly, or how she even knew what she did and didn't like without seeing it for more than a second. He knew better than to ask. Allison had on The Face, and if he was stupid enough to interfere she'd make him regret it. He wandered off to look for Andrew and Renee instead. He caught sight of Renee’s hair before he spotted Andrew and made his way over to her. She was holding up two sweaters, her lip between her teeth as she studied them. She smiled at him as he walked over and turned the sweaters to him. 

“Which one do you like better?”

“Uh,” Neil stared. “I'm not really the best person to ask. I don't even buy my own clothes. Allison can probably…” He trailed off as he turned to gesture in Allison’s direction. The rack behind him stole his attention. 

The colors were soft and subtle, much less conspicuous than the things Nicky picked for him. The neckline of the shirt closest to him was asymmetrical, and it started out blue but ombred to white at the bottom, which was much higher than it should be. Neil wasn't sure what the point of that was. He was even less sure why he couldn't stop staring at it. After a moment Renee’s gentle voice tore his eyes away. 

“Would you like me to try it on?”

“What?” 

“I can try it on,” she repeated. “So you can see what it looks like without showing your scars.” She was kind but blunt as always, and Neil was grateful for it. She put into words the unease that was gnawing at his stomach, and he nodded wordlessly. Renee smiled and picked one of the shirts in her size, then disappeared into the changing room. Neil fidgeted as he waited, trying to ignore the unsettling feeling that something was off, though he wasn’t sure what. 

Thankfully Renee was quick, and Neil snapped his eyes up as she stepped out of the changing rooms. She did a little twirl and Neil watched the sleeves of the shirt flow with her movement. He imagined wearing it in Columbia, wearing it on a lazy Saturday with Andrew’s hands sliding under it. 

“I didn’t know you liked crop tops,” Allison’s voiced came from behind him as she walked over. 

“I wanted to try it,” Renee shrugged. Allison wasn’t fooled, and it didn’t take her long to notice the way Neil was staring at Renee. It was almost a full minute before she spoke. 

“You know,” her voice was softer than usual. “You could pull that off, Neil.” Shock coursed its way through him and he found himself shaking his head before he could put his thoughts into words. 

“No,” he managed. “No it’s…I mean it’s not for guys.” He gestured to the ‘Ladies’ sign. 

“Fuck that,” Allison replied simply. “If you like it, you can wear it.” She cut him off before he could argue. “Neil, it’s fabric. Fabric doesn’t have a gender. Fashion isn’t about gender. It’s about expression. That,” she pointed to the top on Renee. “Is you.” Neil frowned a little in thought, considering what she said. Who else would know clothes better than Allison Reynolds? 

“My scars though,” he finally mumbled. “They’d show.” Allison looked like she was going to argue again, but Renee’s touch on her wrist silenced her. She pursed her lips and considered him for a moment before holding up a finger in a command for him to stay. He nodded and stayed in place as she walked away. Renee returned to the dressing room to change back into her sweater, and Neil was left alone. 

He paced around the clothing racks, and as he turned around he found Andrew a few inches from him. He was silent as always, but he was looking at Neil like he was trying to answer a question he hadn’t asked yet. Nerves pooled in his stomach and Neil opened his mouth to say...something. He wasn’t sure what. Andrew touched a finger to his chin and pushed his mouth closed. He motioned with his finger for Neil to turn around, and Neil obeyed. 

Andrew’s finger was between his shoulder blades next, propelling him forward to an impatiently waiting Allison. Neil shrugged at the look she gave him as Andrew leaned against the wall, appraising them with vague interest. 

Allison handed him what at first looked like the top he had just seen on Renee. Upon closer inspection, he noticed it was longer, the same color gradient on a sweater. She barely gave him time to look before setting something else in his arms. It took him a moment to realize they were the kind of leggings he’d seen her wear around campus. She pointed to the changing rooms, and Neil decided it was in his best interest not to argue. 

He closed the door behind him and turned to the mirror. He greeted his reflection with the same wariness as always, trying not to look too closely for too long. He turned away to shrug out of his shirt, pulling the sweater over his head as quickly as possible to avoid looking at his scars. He wasn’t really in the mood to see them today.

He paused as the sweater settled over his chest and looked at the sleeves. They were cuffed at the ends, which fell just past his knuckles. The cut and burn scars on his hands were almost unnoticeable, and the tender fabric soothed his nerves. He fumbled out of his jeans next and kicked his sneakers off, then stepped into the leggings and pulled them up to his waist. He turned around and couldn’t help but stare at the mirror. The leggings clung to his legs, flaunting the curve and muscle of his calves and thighs. The sweater fell just past his hips, but it was baggy in the middle like his old shirts. A knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts. 

“Don’t keep us waiting,” Allison warned him. Neil took one last look at his reflection before opening the door, grateful that Allison was the only one who could see him. He looked at her warily, waiting for her to change her mind and tell him he looked ridiculous. She didn’t. Instead her eyes lit up and she smiled at him. 

“Oh my god,” she took his hand and pulled him out of the room, nudging him to spin. He did so slowly and awkwardly, and normally he knew she would have teased him, but it seemed it was forgivable today. 

She took the hem of the sweater and tilted her head, as if contemplating something, before she nodded and tucked just a small portion of the front into the leggings. Her smile widened and she nodded enthusiastically. 

“Perfect. Here, come here.” She took his hand again and led him out, where Renee and Andrew stood waiting in silence. Renee’s reaction mirrored Allison’s, her smile wide and encouraging. 

“That looks really good on you Neil,” she nodded. Neil murmured his thanks and dragged his eyes to Andrew. His expression hadn’t changed much in the past few minutes, though his eyes seemed to linger on Neil’s legs. 

Finally he met Neil’s gaze and nodded once. It was almost unnoticeable, but it was enough. It was all Neil needed to let the tension leave his limbs and crush the uncertainty plaguing him. Neil looked back at him gratefully, but Andrew merely waved a hand. The dismissive gesture wasn’t fooling Neil, and it certainly wasn’t fooling Renee, who smiled softly at them through the whole exchange. Andrew pointedly ignored her and motioned for Neil to turn his attention back to Allison. 

“The monster approves then?” She quirked a brow at him. Neil raised his in return.

“He’s right there,” he reminded her. “You could ask him.” Allison scoffed and regarded her nails.

“You and I both know he wouldn’t answer. Besides, we’re both happier if we don’t speak.” Neil didn’t need to refer to Andrew to know she was right. 

“Yeah, he approves,” Neil nodded, poking his thigh. “Probably because of this.” 

“What, you mean the legs you’ve been hiding from the rest of us?” Allison accused. 

“What did you want me to do, run around without any pants on?” 

“Hardly,” she tutted, studying him. She strode past him and pulled a pair of shorts off of the rack, pushing them against his chest. “Go put these on.” 

“You’re very bossy.” 

“Neil Abram Josten don’t make me tell you again.” 

He knew the use of his full name was meant to “scare” him into obedience, but all it did was leave warmth blooming in his chest. Of course that compelled him to listen, and as he stepped towards her and the dressing room he couldn’t help his grin. 

She watched him smugly, and Neil had a vague suspicion that she knew exactly what saying his full name would do. He paused by the door and turned. Allison looked ready to scold him, so he spoke quickly.

“I just have a question. Do I leave the leggings on?” 

Allison blinked and considered him. “Those would look really good with the shorts. Hm. No, for now just do the shorts.” Neil nodded and stepped into the changing room, peeling out of the leggings and tugging the shorts up. 

The high waist confused him and it took him a moment to figure out if it was supposed to be like that or if he had somehow managed to mess it up. He decided to just let Allison deal with it and walked back out, lifting the sweater up to the waistline of the shorts.

“Is this right?”

“It’s supposed to be that high yes. Trust me, it looks good. I wouldn’t let you wear anything that looks less than perfect.” 

Neil raised a brow at her. “Should I assume you had a hand in my old clothes disappearing?” 

Allison waved a hand dismissively. “Oh please. I didn’t need to, Nicky was just as horrified. Now. Go let the monster see.” 

Neil rolled his eyes but did as he was told, walking out to stand in front of Andrew. Andrew’s brow twitched upwards and his eyes traced the line of the shorts. After a moment of looking his fill he twirled his finger, and Neil obligingly turned around. Andrew’s fingers ghosted over his hip and Neil managed to hold back a shiver. Allison watched them with smug satisfaction, and her eyes glinted as she spoke.

“Alright go get changed so we can check out,” she flicked her fingers at him. Andrew’s growl behind him was almost inaudible, and as Neil turned to face him he saw Renee hiding a laugh in her hand. 

“You okay?” Neil asked.

“104%. Go.” 

Neil bit back a grin and walked back to the changing rooms, feeling a little bounce in his step, hoping the others didn’t notice. He closed the door and changed back into his shirt, setting the sweater aside. 

He paused with his fingers at the hem of the shorts. He wasn’t ready to take them off yet. He wanted to wear them on the roof with Andrew, he wanted to drink in them and feel the burn of whiskey in his throat and Andrew’s hands on his hips again. 

He tilted his head at the mirror and tucked his shirt into the shorts, curious to see how it would look. It would be better if Allison could see and tell him yes or no. He considered it for a moment and opened the door to call her over. She paused to consider the look and tilted her head to the side a bit. 

“It’s not bad,” she said slowly and The Face came back as she studied him. Neil waited patiently and stayed quiet. “How do you feel about no sleeves? Since you’ve got those.” She gestured to the black arm bands. 

“I don’t mind them I guess?” 

“Give me a yes or a no, Neil,” Allison put her hand on her hip, but her attempt at annoyance wasn’t fooling him.

“No I don’t mind them.” 

“Thank you. Keep the shorts on, I’ll be right back.” 

Neil was beginning to think they would never leave the store, but it didn’t bother him like he thought it would. This was different than shopping with Nicky. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate Nicky’s efforts, it was just a little too fast for him, too much at once for him to figure out how he felt. Allison and Nicky both had an eye for style, but Allison knew how to translate the process in a way that Neil could understand. 

She simplified things, not that Nicky didn’t try. It was just that his version of simplifying was piling clothes into Neil’s arms and telling him not to worry about it. 

It didn’t take Allison long to find the top she was looking for. It was a plain gray button up tank, and Neil liked the way the fabric felt in his hands. 

“It’s soft,” Neil commented. 

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” Allison inclined her head. 

“A good thing,” Neil nodded. “It’s...I don’t know how to explain it.” 

“Then don’t,” Allison shrugged. “You like it, that’s what matters. So try that on and tuck it in.” She stepped back and closed the door, and despite the fact that it had been months, Neil was still taken aback by the gesture. He was just changing his shirt, Allison could have turned around and waited. 

He was used to Matt going out of his way to accommodate his privacy, but Allison still surprised him. Being honest with her had brought a slow change to their interactions. She showed him often that she didn’t take his trust for granted. Other than Andrew, the words ‘yes or no’ seemed to come from Allison the most. 

He stopped staring at the door after a moment and turned to pull his shirt back off, replacing with the tank. He fumbled to tuck the hem into the shorts, trying to make sure it was even before he opened the door again. 

Allison glanced up from her phone and pursed her lips, considering him for a moment. Neil put a hand on his hip, mimicking her usual defensive pose.

“What did I do wrong?” He asked. 

“Hush I’m thinking,” she rolled her eyes. She nodded an answer to her own question and reached out to tuck the tank in a little more in a few spots. “There. How’s that?” 

“You tell me, I don’t know how any of this works.” 

“Neil it’ll look good tucked smooth or ruffled, the smooth is just what I prefer.” 

“Why?” Neil inquired. 

“I just think it looks classy,” she shrugged. “The ruffled is nice for a more casual look, but the black and gray just screams smooth to me.” 

Neil looked down at the clothes and nodded. “The smooth is more...sleek? I guess?” He paused and nodded again. “Yeah sleek. Like Andrew’s car.” 

Allison raised a brow at him. “You’re not a car Neil.” 

“I’m not?” Neil replied flatly. 

“I mean it’s your business if you want Andrew to ride-”

“I’m going to get changed now,” Neil cut in, turning to hide the blush rising on his cheeks. Allison’s reply was smug and triumphant. 

“Alright, don’t let me stop you.” 

Neil grumbled and closed the door, changed back into his clothes, and stepped back out once he had everything folded nicely. Allison took the pile from him and pointed a dangerously filed nail at him when he started to object.

“I’m paying,” she informed him. “Consider it an early Christmas present.” 

“Allison it’s June.” 

“Hence the ‘early’,” she quipped, turning with a flick of her hair and marching towards the registers. Neil followed her and caught up quickly, briefly wondering how she managed such a focused pace in heels. 

“Why didn’t you show Andrew what I looked like with the last outfit?” 

“Because I do have plans today that don’t involve waiting for you two to fuck in the changing room.” 

“Do people actually do that?”

“Oh Neil,” Allison sighed.


	2. National Neil Bought Clothes Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicky was in the room with Andrew when Neil walked in, and it only took him a few seconds to notice the bags.  
> “No way!” He grinned. “Does Allison own a gun?”  
> “She didn’t force me if that’s what you’re asking,” Neil rolled his eyes.  
> “I’m hurt Neil,” Nicky clapped a hand over his heart. “When I try and take you shopping it’s all ‘I’m never going shopping with you again Nicky’ but with Allison you come back with four bags. Don’t worry. You can win me back by showing me what you bought.” 
> 
> (aka a show and tell with clothes and a gender lesson from Nicky)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so...long time no see guys. I expected this summer to free up time for writing but the exact opposite happened and I was in a major funk with writing in general. Rereading the series and the start of a new semester has finally crushed said funk and I was able to write another chapter. I don't have consistent update days in mind, but for now my goal is going to be every other Friday. I would love to have it be every Friday but I have to be realistic with myself. I just want to thank everyone for your patience.
> 
> This chapter is a bit shorter than the first one, but I was happy with where it stopped and didn't want to mess with the natural rhythm of it.

Allison sorted their bags as they left the store, slowing her pace to let Renee and Andrew catch up to them. Neil didn’t miss the quick brush of Renee’s hand over Allison’s shoulder, and he filed it away to ask about later. He peered down into his bags as Andrew veered away from the girls and towards his car, rightfully assuming Neil would follow. The nagging at the back of his mind was back, and Neil didn’t know what was bothering him as he looked down into the pile of fabric.  
He almost walked face first into Andrew’s outstretched hand and shot him an irritated look that Andrew lazily waved away. Andrew opened the passenger door and Neil understood. He dropped his bags in Andrew’s lap and hummed nonchalantly at the gruff half mumbled threat he received in return. He walked around to the driver’s side and settled into the seat. He was often grateful that he and Andrew were so close in height. Driving after Nicky involved carefully maneuvering the seat back where it belonged. He turned the key and the familiar soft roar of the engine was a balm to his nerves, but not for long. 

He could feel Andrew’s heavy stare as he followed Allison’s porsche back to the hotel and waited to see if he’d say anything. Neil knew his grip on the wheel was too tight, and his shoulders were too tense. Finally he turned his head to stare at him in return when they stopped at a light. Andrew appraised him for a moment before pushing his finger into Neil’s jaw to turn his attention back to the road. Neil sighed and nodded. Not now, that meant. Maybe later. Andrew was right. Whatever was weeding into his mind hadn’t taken form yet. There wasn’t anything to say or do until he knew what exactly was bothering him. For now, it was comforting enough to know that Andrew was watching and waiting. 

He parked between Allison’s porsche and Matt’s truck when they reached the hotel, and stole a moment to listen to the engine before cutting it. Andrew got out first and walked around to Neil’s side as he followed suit. He pressed the bag’s to Neil’s chest, letting his touch linger and his fingers dig in before turning and walking inside. Neil curled his fingers through the handles of the bags and paused by Allison’s car. Her nails clacked away on her phone, so he looked to Renee instead.

“We’re collecting everyone’s orders for dinner and heading back out,” Renee explained. “Any preferences?”

“Just get our usual wherever you end up picking,” Neil shrugged. After a pause he added, “And some hot chocolate for Andrew. He doesn’t like the stuff from the breakfast bar.” Renee smiled and nudged Allison so she’d make a note of it. Neil gave them a little wave and then turned to go inside. Nicky was in the room with Andrew when Neil walked in, and it only took him a few seconds to notice the bags.

“No way!” He grinned. “Does Allison own a gun?” 

“She didn’t force me if that’s what you’re asking,” Neil rolled his eyes. 

“I’m hurt Neil,” Nicky clapped a hand over his heart. “When I try and take you shopping it’s all ‘I’m never going shopping with you again Nicky’ but with Allison you come back with four bags. Don’t worry. You can win me back by showing me what you bought.” 

Neil obliged and overturned the bags onto the bed. Nicky sputtered a little at his callous mistreatment of his newest possessions but was quickly distracted when he actually saw what Neil bought. 

“Did you grab Allison’s bags by mistake?” Nicky held up the sweater. 

Neil floundered for a moment and he could feel the shift behind him as Andrew took a step towards them. He didn’t need to turn around to see which expression he had on. Nicky’s paled cheeks told him all he needed to know. 

“They’re mine,” he mumbled in response, irritated with the sudden burst of shame when he’d felt so confident at the store. Nicky’s eyes went wide, not with guilt but excitement. 

“I’ll be right back!” He grinned and ran out of the room. Neil watched him helplessly, refusing to turn around and meet Andrew’s gaze. Andrew was content to let him avoid it for now it seemed, because Neil heard him sink onto the bed by the window. Nicky returned a minute later with a shirt in his hands. He held it up and his chest practically swelled with pride.

“What do you think?” He looked to Neil for approval, continuing before he could answer. “I bought it last summer and I totally forgot about it until we were packing for this week. It’s honestly not my style but I think it’s perfect for you.” 

Neil studied the shirt and tilted his head. It was black with a softly colored floral print crowning the shoulders and the neckline. He held his hand out slowly and Nicky eagerly passed it over. He considered it for a moment and then went to the bathroom, closing the door behind him to change into the floral shirt. It was long on him, there was no avoiding that when Nicky had bought it for himself. But it was soft on his skin, and when Neil dragged his gaze up to the mirror he almost didn’t mind looking. The flowers caught his attention first, and that’s what sealed the deal. For once the first thing he noticed about his reflection wasn’t his eyes. 

He stepped out of the bathroom and walked back over to Nicky, who looked like he might start bouncing with anticipation. Neil couldn’t help but make him wait until he had settled himself back where he was, standing by the bed Andrew was poised on. Finally he nodded. 

“I like it. A lot.” 

Nicky sniffed dramatically. “My fashionless son is growing up so fast.” 

“Ha ha,” Neil replied humorlessly, though he couldn’t help a small smile. A thought entered his mind and the smile faded a moment later. His words came slowly as he worked through them. “Is it...weird that my clothes look a little like Allison’s?” 

“Hm?” Nicky scrunched his brow then his eyes went a little wide. “No! No no. Definitely not. It’s not something I expected that’s all. You didn’t really strike me as the type to wear more feminine stuff.” 

It was Neil’s turn to furrow his brow. “Allison said clothes don’t have gender.” 

“They don’t,” Nicky nodded his agreement. “But like, you can use them for that if you want to.” Neil couldn’t help but stare at him. Here was the answer to the question he couldn’t phrase in the car. Andrew shifted behind them and walked to the door. He closed it and gave Nicky a look, clearly directing him to stay. Nicky smiled at Neil and pulled him to sit on the other bed. He continued after Andrew took his place on the other bed.

“Allison was right about the clothes. There’s nothing about this,” he paused to touch the sleeve of the floral shirt. “That says it has to be for a girl. It’s just a shirt you know? Except you can use it as more than that if you want to. I bought it because I wanted to try that out. I get so annoyed with the stereotypical gay guy on TV, the one that’s all flamboyant and feminine, but like it got me thinking. I know guys who are like that, and they’re happy. The stereotype bugs me because it makes it a joke, but those guys aren’t joking. They like wearing that stuff. For some of them it’s just what they like and they don’t really think about it past that. A few of them though, they said it was different for them. Like...they like the feminine stuff because it makes them feel feminine. One of them liked it because it made him feel like a girl.” Nicky winced. “Sorry. Her. It made her feel like a girl.” Then he frowned. “Well. I dunno if I would say he or she or-” 

“They,” Andrew supplied, almost helpfully, mostly impatiently. Nicky sighed his relief.

“Exactly. Like they were a girl sometimes, and other times they were a guy. When they felt like a girl it was hard to see themselves looking masculine. So they wore feminine stuff to express how they felt.” Neil listened attentively and tried to make sense of it. 

“Okay,” he said slowly. 

“Anyways. What I’m trying to say is there’s no right or wrong way to wear your clothes Neil. If you wanna wear more feminine stuff because you like how it makes you look, that’s cool. It doesn’t matter either way whether it makes you feel like a girl or not. Maybe it does maybe it doesn’t.” 

Neil frowned. “I just...don’t understand why it suddenly matters. I’ve never cared about clothes. I just wore whatever I could to fit in.” 

Nicky snorted. “Yeah, we know Neil. That’s why I’m officially marking this as a national holiday, the day you willingly got new clothes.” He softened a little and touched Neil’s hand. “It’s okay that it’s not something you did before. It’s something you can start doing.” Andrew must have been able to tell that Nicky had lost Neil somewhere, because he sighed and sat up.

“Nicky.” 

“Right,” Nicky nodded. “Sorry. Basically just...keep trying new things and do what feels right. Try not to overthink it. Just try it and see what you like.” 

“Okay,” Neil nodded. 

“You can keep that shirt,” Nicky grinned. “It looks much better on you.” Andrew glared a warning and Nicky held his hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying. You guys coming down to the pool with me and Aaron or are you gonna stay here and eat each other’s faces?” Andrew stood and Nicky yelped dramatically, running for the door and waving quickly to Neil before he ducked out. Andrew crossed the room to close the door behind him and snapped the lock shut. He walked over and stood in front of Neil, arms crossed. Neil looked up at him and shifted to sit with his legs draped over the edge of the bed, moving his knees apart for Andrew to stand closer. Andrew closed the space and curled his fingers around Neil’s chin, holding his face still and studying him. He turned Neil’s head a few times, eyebrow twitching up. Neil waited patiently, content to watch Andrew’s face and the way the light from the window caught his eyes. Andrew seemed to make a decision a few moments later, because Neil caught the confirmation in his eyes.

“Yes or no?” Andrew tilted his head up. 

“Yes,” Neil sighed softly, and strong hands pushed him down into the mattress while fierce lips stole his worries away.


	3. Eleven Dumpsters and a Heaping Pile of Self Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allison helps Neil understand why he hates his face, shares some wisdom on self love, and offers to help him overcome his scars with the aid of makeup. And then Neil is a little shit and startles Allison with an important question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a few days late and I apologize, I had a very crazy week and a long Friday and writing just wasn't happening. This chapter and the next one I have planned were meant to be one single chapter, but content that I didn't expect to work with happened and it works better to split it. 
> 
> Now on the topic of updates. I'm getting ready to start prepping for NaNo, and of course my brain also decided to hatch a very big AU idea. I would very much like to have the first chapter for that AU up by the 15th or 16th, and the next chapter for this fic up sometime between the 22nd and 29th. From there I will probably go on a fic hiatus during November because of NaNo. After NaNo is over, my hope is to alternate chapter updates between this fic and the AU fic. These are very loose plans that will probably change because let's be honest I suck at sticking to plans. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented on the previous chapter, I will definitely be replying soon.

_Don’t even think about skipping our movie to fuck the monster Josten._

The loud buzz of his phone startled Neil awake, and seconds later Andrew smacked it against his chest. Neil groaned at Allison’s text and lethargically typed his reply.

_Sorry who?_

_Neil._

_I can’t fuck myself Allison._

_If I say his name will you get your ass moving._

_Maybe._

_Fine. Don’t skip our movie to fuck Andrew._

_Thank you._

“Your chivalry isn’t charming,” Andrew drawled over his shoulder.

“I never said I was charming,” Neil shot back. “Go back to sleep.” Andrew narrowed his eyes but took Neil’s advice anyways, rolling back over and tucking his knees up. Neil watched him longer than he needed to before forcing himself out of bed and into the leggings and sweater Allison had picked out. He stepped into the bathroom to brush his unruly hair and made the mistake of looking in the mirror. His stomach tilted and he could hear the sound of his skin burning, and then he was feeling the hot streams of blood down his cheek. Texting had distracted him from the nightmares that plagued him but his reflection brought them crumbling down around him. It was nothing new, just another reenactment of Lola’s tortures. He would have been able to forget about it if he hadn’t looked at the scars in the mirror. He considered calling off the movie with Allison.

“Go,” Andrew’s voice came from the doorway. “Staying will make it worse.”

“I need...I don’t know,” Neil tore his face away from the glass and looked at Andrew instead.

“A distraction.”

“Yeah,” Neil answered slowly. “Yeah. Okay. Movies are distracting.”

“If you actually pay attention to them long enough,” Andrew quipped, loping back to bed once Neil’s breathing evened out. Neil ignored the jab and settled for pulling the blanket off of Andrew as he passed the bed.

“There are eleven dumpsters between here and the airport,” Andrew mused. "I could spread your body out between all of them.”

“You could at least use only ten of them,” Neil paused when Andrew stared blankly at him then continued. “My number.”

“Junkie,” Andrew rolled back over despite the lost blanket and Neil felt the tension in his chest ease slightly. He pocketed the keycard for their door and made his way down the hall to the elevator. He didn’t need to check his phone when it buzzed to know that Allison was getting impatient. When he knocked on her door a few minutes later he was greeted with an irritated “Come in” from inside the room. He closed the door behind him and looked around when he didn’t see Allison anywhere in the room.

“In here,” she called from the bathroom, the familiar snap of makeup compacts beckoning him to her. He shrugged and slid behind her, settling for sitting on the edge of the tub while she worked.

“You’re late,” she said absently.

“Not because of Andrew.”

“I didn’t say it was.”

“You were thinking it.”

“Fair enough,” Allison smirked. She turned to him and pursed her lips. “Your hair could use some work beyond raking it with a brush Neil. Have you seen yourself this morning?”

“I tried not to,” Neil mumbled. He winced when Allison’s eyes softened.

“You know,” she said as she turned back to the mirror, tapping at her cheek with a sponge. “You still haven’t told me why you’re scared of mirrors.”

“The mirrors aren’t the problem,” Neil sighed and gestured to his face. “This is. I look like him.”

“Your father,” she assumed and Neil nodded his confirmation. “So hiding was only part of why you changed your hair and eyes.”

“I hate seeing him. His hair, his eyes, his smile.”

“Why?” Allison asked calmly.

“Why?” Neil echoed dumbly. “Allison he was a monster. He killed people.”

“Andrew’s killed someone,” Allison replied. “Aaron’s killed someone. You’re quite insistent that they aren’t monsters. You don’t hate seeing his face because he was a monster Neil. You hate seeing his face because you’re afraid. When you see his face, you see fear. You see yourself helpless.” She gestured to his scars. “And you see yourself cuffed in that car with a fucking dash lighter burning your face. This has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you.”

Neil stared at her and fought the panic that threatened to turn his chest to ice. He stared down at the scars on his hands and struggled to control his breathing.

“Neil,” Allison said sharply. “Neil Josten look at me.”

Slowly. Very slowly Neil managed to drag his eyes to her face.

“He is dead. He can’t touch you ever again. And he doesn’t deserve to own your body and control how you feel about it.” Her tone darkened as she continued, and Neil was reminded of the scathing rage that Andrew buried and wielded against anyone who tried to separate them. Her anger wasn’t directed at him, but for him, and the panic in his lungs lessened. “No one has that right but you. That is your body, and your face. Don’t let him take that from you. It’ll kill you if you do.”

“How?” Neil managed to choke out.

“It’s cheesy as fuck and if you laugh I’ll kick you,” She warned before she continued. “Love yourself. Learn to love your body and your face the way it is Neil, because it’s not going to change. And you can’t take care of yourself if you hate your body.”

“I don’t understand,” Neil rubbed his face. “Why do you do all of that if you love your body?” Neil gestured to all of the makeup.

“Because it’s fun and it makes me happy,” Allison replied simply. “I don’t need makeup to love my face. Makeup is something that lets me use my face to make something. Today that something is cheekbones that could kill a man. Tomorrow it might be overdrawn lips that say kiss me if you dare. If you’ll let me,” she paused so he understood she wouldn’t do anything without his consent. “I’ll make your scars go away for a while while you come to terms with them. I’ll help you make something that says ‘Fuck off’ to the shitbags that did that to you. ”

“Wait,” Neil tried to make sense of her words despite the sharp cadence of his heart in his ears. “You can do that?”

“I can. Yes or no Neil?”

“Yes.”

“Stay there,” Allison turned and left the bathroom, returning a few minutes later with a small clutch. She set it on the counter and pulled out products in Neil’s shade.

“You brought those with you?” Neil furrowed his brow at her.

“I’ve been thinking about how to suggest this for a few weeks. I figured now was the best time. There’s no Exy to distract you here.”

“Now you sound like Andrew.”

“Gross,” Allison screwed her face up.

“No,” Neil groaned. “Not like that.”

“Shut up and sit,” Allison pointed to the toilet seat and Neil obediently moved. She considered him for a moment and then pointed to the mirror. “Do you want to try and watch?”

Neil considered the mirror, grateful that he wasn’t visible in the reflection from where he was sitting. His response was slow and hesitant. “Not this time.”

Allison nodded and didn’t press the issue further. She started by pushing a hairband onto Neil’s head to move his hair out of the way, and then she leaned in close to examine his face.

“You lucky bastard,” she mumbled.

“What?”

“Your skin is normal, not dry or oily. Mine is combination, which makes everything a pain in the fucking ass. Of course you have it easy.” She stepped back and sorted through her products, lining up several that Neil didn’t recognize. As he watched her he turned a thought over in his head a few times before he worked up the courage to ask.

“Are you and Renee dating?”

Neil was thankfully fast enough to catch the bottle that Allison knocked off the counter, and several others clattered into the sink. She turned to face him and crossed her arms.

“Is that you asking or Andrew?”

“Me, I think. I don’t know if Andrew...noticed anything.”

Allison sighed dramatically. “If you noticed then he definitely noticed.”

“So you are dating?”

“Kind of,” she answered. “It’s complicated. I’ve never gotten serious with a girl. Especially one that means this much to me. Now. Bother me about this later. We’re supposed to be focusing on your issues today, not mine.”

**Author's Note:**

> I made a slight edit and changed 134% to 104%. This is mostly just due to a personal preference that has changed over time in regards to the percentages. I also did time math in my head and the number just didn't line up with when I have this taking place and it was nagging me.


End file.
